What happens when you feel shame? Have you ever stopped to explore what is going on? I know for me SHAME stands for Scarring Hearts And Missing Experiences. I start to get lost in the fear and the self-doubt of what I am expected to do. I create the story in my head telling me that I am not on the right path and I am not going to be able to create what I want.
But even more intense I start to question my value and what others see in me. I know many times it came through in the ideas around what I thought my spouse thought about me. Shame happened so many times from what I thought external sources thought of me.
I am working on an acronym for how to defend against shame, but through the workings of Brene Brown, I know that to step out of my shame shadow I have to choose to be vulnerable. I also have to let people think and feel what they want as it is a definition of them much more than an explanation of me. I choose to listen to the members of my tribe that I trust because they know my inner and outer workings and the nature of my values and the way I desire to live in this world.
But for now, too I will say that to step into vulnerability you need to Seek Help And Manage Expectations. Please feel free to write to me and let me know how Shame shows up and what you are doing to combat. I would love to hear from you!
In our world today so often we are living lives centered around FEAR. At one point in our civilization this served us very well with the whole flight or fight response. However most of us are not living in near death moments. There are those that face this everyday and this post is not about them, this is for the rest of us truly living in peace yet creating panic and anxiety with just our thoughts.
You see living in FEAR is one of the most powerful ways to kill your power and slaughter your passion. The word FEAR literally causes Families to become Exhausted And Running. What are we running from? We are literally running from the JOY in our lives. We become so tired that the only pain that we see in the world is what is happening to us in that immediate moment. We become victims to out own created circumstances. We spend time waisting moments wondering how dumb we were to chose the path we are on.
If we take a moment to stop! Stop running from some invisible monster chasing us with moments that are unfair and undeserved, we can actually catch that monster. FEAR is something that we can't control. Remember being a child and afraid of the dark? How did we learn to not see shadows as monsters? We stopped be scared and started looking at them for what they were. And all of a sudden that shadow that scared you was nothing more than the teddy bear that comforted you.
So when FEAR has your family so tired and running, your parenting is horrible, your marriage is a mess and you can't stand that job any more. Stop and face the FEAR! The key to combating FEAR is the same as a child and you can remember it by Finding Energy Around Relationships. You can now look at the people in your lives that looked like monsters and yes sometimes our children can be like monsters, but now you can look at them and instead of feeling like you are failing as a parent, take time to build a relationship with them. Break the work life balance myth and just live in the Joy of the people around you that love you unconditionally!
I am so in love with the life I live and the work that I do. I want you to get to know me... But really I want to know you and learn your story! Telling what has happened in my life is only a way to show you that I am human, I have been there and struck out, but that I have also wickedly succeeded in falling in love with my life. Through my failures and moments of greatness I know that there is some type of support for you.
I am a busy mom filling my schedule with what matters to me. I work from home raising my daughter and foster baby. We also have a ranch which means there are seasons I have a job that I do for free, except the amazing amount of learning to cooperate with my husband and still love him in the process. I am also on Local School boards. Yes that is accurate boardS, why? Well because I like putting my practice of skills coaching into practice and I get to work with a lot of people and different personalities. I also have learned how to not settle and to fight with passion for making the world better. I also want you to know that I am in the process of getting my masters degree. I saw some open space and knew that a MSW would be a perfect field to continue gaining skills to serve those that coach with me.
Do you want to find out how to have peace and stop hiding in FEAR... Contact me today, I always have space for you!
Scrolling through what I wanted to share with my coaching clients I came across youtube of Brene Brown. This one specifically spoke to me. You see there have been so many times when I have allowed critics to be the only ones that counted as my credibility. The whole " I am going to prove them wrong mentality," and at times I am not going to lie, it served to light a fire in me and have me push beyond what they told me I could do. Then there were times when I didn't let anyone in. I blocked everyone out and sat and listened to the thoughts that cut through me, creating deep wounds. But the times I was most successful and level-headed are the times when I allow my experiences and what I have done and went through that have shaped me to be in the audience cheering me on. To be the wife on stage talking about how much life sucked compared to my expectations. Even though I did present a speech and I gave myself credibility, there are times when the critic's voice shuts out my power, when the fear creeps in. From now on, just as Brene put it: I will leave room for my critics, for my friends but mostly for me and my experiences. Today as I write this I am waiting to hear back from grad school on starting a masters program. I have a backup plan, but even with an idea, I have let doubt creep in telling me that I won't be able to make money to provide for my family. I have heard the critics say that I am wasting more money than I will make. But this moment right here and now with you, I know that I have a vision and dream. I have the passion for changing the way blended families function. I know that I can serve your parents to protect their marriages to reduce divorce. Change is needed, and people that have a beautiful idea should stand up and start speaking out.
This program change my own marriage and the structure that our family was creating. Being Married can be really hard! We have exceptions, they have expectations, business and families create a unique mix into how we stay connected with our spouse. What I love is that you don't have to be on the verge of divorce in order to do this class with me. It will bring a whole new level of passion to your family. Check out these YouTube videos from the Gottman Institute.
If you are in the Sheridan Wyoming Area in February
Some people show up in life, and you just know that they are there to "stir the Pot." Those are my favorite people.
I know I can hear your concerns! You are asking why I would love the people that want to cause havoc in my life? I know Right? At first and through growing pains I didn't appreciate the value that they were adding to my life. During the moments of causing havoc, yes it hurt. It hurt to have people create lies and stories about my character. It hurt to have the try to slander my name. The most significant hurt came when it affected my kids and my husband. Those pains were hard to stay focused on the lesson. Many times I lost sight of my value and worth in this world. I sat and questioned if I was the person they were telling me I was and telling others around me. I had many conversations with myself about being crazy.
I Read Og Mandino's Greatest Salesman Scroll VI for months working on mastering my emotions during those horrible times. I knew I needed to show up stronger with the pain I was facing, or everything good in my life would disappear. One paragraph I never really understood was:
Henceforth, I will know that only those with inferior ability can always be at their best, and I am not inferior. There will be days when I must constantly struggle against forces which would tear me down. Those such as despair and sadness are simple to recognize but there are others which approach with a smile and the hand of friendship and they can also destroy me. Against them, too, I must never relinquish control.
Og tells us about being overconfident, overindulging, complacency, all-powerful, overly proud and a few others. We also get the counteraction to protect our thoughts from these friendly destroyers. But what about the people that you feel are your family and friends that you can trust?
Those moments are why I decided to love these people instead of feeding them my anger. While facing some significant storms within our immediate family, we relied on some trusted family members and friends to vent or concerns and problems. They were very good at offering listening ears, but when the advice and the direction they felt our life should go they took that gifted information and used it to increase the pain that we were already encompassing really.
It was those people that didn't make me decide not to continue trusting others... Heck NO!! I agree with Brene Brown's research that people are doing the best they can. It was them that helped me step out of the mud and onto my sacred ground.
People can always look from the outside and think that they know precisely what is occurring on in a person's life. They see only the bad and the good because after all, they have lived a long life too. The truth is that these people taught me that I need to be very cautious of my assumptions of others. The reality is that when we assume something we are making an ASS- out of U- and ME. So I am thanking those that assumed they knew what was happening in our family and took it upon themselves to join the mob to try to burn our house down.
If you have this in your world and you are feeling like a victim... I can help. I get you and I know your hard is your own hard and you NEED TO OWN IT!!
Some morning we don’t realize that waking up and just greeting people with kindness and laughter is the best thing that you can do. Sometimes it is the only thing we have. It doesn’t take money; it doesn’t take grand gestures of service trips to make a significant impact in the world today. This morning Mr. Cab driver you demonstrated that simple gesture, and I wanted to thank you for allowing me to witness and get a glimpse into your world of kindness.
I thank you for giving me the gift of the fondness you showed to the women that you pick up every morning to take to work. You apparently are the light to her world. If you didn’t ever show up again, have you thought about the impact that would have on her? You get out and greet her with a genuine smile. She is nearing the end of her journey, but I would take a bet that you help to light up her youthfulness. You help warm her heart and let her know that she is loved.
The simple conversation. The way you laugh just like old time friends. The way you look at her value in this world. Sir Cab driver you are extremely rare! Your life of hard work has not hardened your heart, and that is so warm to see. You have a real gift of letting people feel safe and important. I applaud you and thank you for showing me that.
I also want to thank you for allowing strangers to fill your smile. You don’t always know who is going to get into your cab. You genuinely open your heart and your ears to learn from them. I hope that when someone feels that the world has lost all the good, that they get a ride in your Cab!
It is common and maybe at this point a little cliche, but honestly, we are like the people we spend our time. For me, it is furry creatures, which can be both good and bad. I also spend a lot of time with my husband and my daughter. HMMM… Well, I say we are pretty lucky on all fronts.
As a ranch wife, my nearest neighbors are like six miles away, and they work in the nearest town about 25 miles away. So my girl time is limited, and I am somewhat particular at who my time gets shared. For me, it is a considerable investment into a relationship, and so I am very cautious who I allow using the moments I have available.
I have had a few stinkers that liked to take more than they gave, I have had a few rotten apples, and they didn’t last long either. Then there are those select few that I give my time and agape love. Are you curious as to why? Well, they listen to me talk through what is stirring in my head. They let me express my emotions, and they don’t try to “FIX” me or take it personally. The most important characteristic is that they share their life with me in the sheer amount of trust. We talk about our strengths. We share our joys. That is a beautiful tribe. I know that I have shared my agape love efficiently with these friends.
With that, I know that other women in the world need a group of friends that they can rely on to lift them to a higher place.
My vision goes like this: 10 women joining together once a week over the computer. Learning how to validate others intrinsically, BUT also learning to be intrinsically validated. You see Og Mandino wrote in The Greatest Salesman in the World:
I am nature’s greatest miracle.
I am not on this earth by chance. I am here for a purpose, and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.
We won’t become mountains unless we can be around and know others that lift us up. In turn, we lift others and create a mountain chain that is indestructible. I know my calling is to serve as I am sure you feel that in your heart too. Do you have a tribe that helps you lift above your complaints to unlock your passion? I hope you consider being a part of mine.
As I run through the checklist of what I feel the urge to share to serve others, I often find myself asking “I am not Superwoman and have no superpowers, I am not doing anything spectacular.”
The truth is I am; every day I get up, I make time to work on my thoughts and what I am capable of creating. I am a wife and a mother and a stepmother, and that takes tremendous strength to stay present in the joy of everyday life when I am always picking up after these humans that share my home. I work from home to bring in some income so that I can be more flexible in my schedule of raising kids and helping my husband on the ranch. Being a ranch wife adds a whole new added strength because I have to very resilient and adaptable to what needs to get accomplished on the ranch for our lively hood but also maintain the house. I also have this hidden strength about loving my animals too. Three house cats, two barn cats, three dogs, 18 chickens, two ducks, three goats, and a herd of horses later I have found comfort in taking time to love on these animals. Maybe the 250 head of cows that we raise has a special place too. Unfortunately, most cows don't appreciate human affection, but I worked through the disappointment.
CAUTION: I am not advising you to get a herd of horses to find comfort, but if you need it, when the retreat camp is up in functioning in the future you can visit and borrow mine.
What I want to share is that in my work as a Skills and Relationship Coach has opened my eyes to my thoughts that were strangling my joy. I know that there are others out there struggling too. I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. The thought’s of “I will never be a good enough wife” have probably shown up in every wife’s dialogue in times of pain. I can let you in on a secret “I have the antidote to this thought pattern.” It doesn’t mean that I now Superwoman, it just means that I have a toolkit and a support system that I have put in place when I feel like I am failing.
However, if you are reading this and that doesn’t apply to you, what do you say? How does this pain show up in your thoughts? I would love to hear from you about how your world looks and what keeps you present today. Please let me help use your story to inspire others.
I want to hear from each of you about what you are searching to find to help you grow in your circumstance. What would bring value? I am sure that there is something in my experiences I could help offer you to bring some joy into your world.
I am glad to get that off my chest... Story of failures and success and failures and success and failures and success... I think that you get it! Don't ever give up on creating the passion and potential that lives inside of you a tangible reality to rock your world.